Not all those who wander are lost ...

but maybe I am.  I'm not sure.

This past year has been one of instrospection and wandering for me.  More like chasing my tail.  Not exactly sure where I'll end up.  At 19, trying finding one's self is expected, even cute.  At 42, not so much.  I've tried so many things; not many have gained traction.  So I keep wandering - looking for the next thing.  But perhaps this is MY time to do this.  I've always been so responsible and so darn ... perfect.  Maybe it's time to revel in my mistakes, to live it up a little and not worry so much about everything and everyone.  I don't know.  I. just. don't. know.  And maybe that's okay, too.

The Year of Living Fearlessly

My year of living fearlessly is coming to an end.  Some "feats" were great (i.e. The Opinion talk show).  Others got off to a non-start (I never learned how to play an instrument).  Overall, though, I think it was worth it.  It's funny how quickly a year goes by.  Before you know it, five years have passed, then ten, then twenty.  At a minimum, I've learned to live life to the fullest.

sunset

but the sunsets are the business ...

Sunrise

There is something majestic, sacred and beautiful about watching the sun rise ...

Brendan's New Hobby

I'm so lucky (served with a heaping serving of sarcasm ...)

My little boy got his green belt in Karate

The Year of Living Fearlessly: Feat 4

Start a Talk Show!

Not sure what made me do it, but do it, I did.  :)

Please be sure to tune in to The Opinion Talk Show and let me know what you think.

The Year of Living Fearlessly (Feat 3)

Lose the Fear

Brendan was off for a few days last week, so I took him on a Mommy and Me adventure.  It was wonderful.  We laughed, we pigged out and we got to connect in a way that we don't get to do when we are rushing around trying to get to school on time, get to karate and all the other things he does.  And I discovered a few things:

(1) I genuinely LIKE Brendan.  Of course, I love him.  He's mine; if I don't love him, who will?  But I really like him as a person.  He is witty, smart, adventurous, has a great sense of humor and enjoys life.

And (2) I am not afraid anymore.  I am not afraid of being alone or of trying new things or dying or not having.  At least not in the paralyzing way that fear used to grab me.  I can live in the moment now and feel no need to project what is going to happen tomorrow, next month or ten years from now.

Strangely, losing the fear and the need to know has made me more willing to try new things and take a few more chances.  Hurray for the year of living fearlessly.

I Just Wanna Be ... Happy

I was driving to the office this morning when a realization hit me:  I was ... (gasp!) ... happy. 

I'm not normally a happy person.  I have moments when I am content, but most days, I'm just a little ho-hum.  And today, nothing out of the ordinary had happened.  But the sun was shining, there was good music on the radio and the roads were uncluttered.  Maybe, just maybe, that was enough.

Mommy and Me

Bren and I had an idyllic week together - just he and I.  The house was quiet.  More importantly, the house was clean!  We ate what we wanted; did what we wanted.  Am I evil for enjoying it so much?

My Brendan turned 8!

How time has flown...

The Year of Living Fearlessly -- Feat 2: Do Nothing

In the pursuit of knowledge, 

every day something is added.

In the practice of the Way, 

every day something is dropped.

Less and less do you need to force things,

until finally you arrive at non-action.

When nothing is done,

nothing is left undone.

 

 -Lao-tzu

I stopped working full-time on November 15, 2011.  When I left, I had a laundry list of things I wanted to do:  start writing my second novel; write and submit several articles to various magazines for publication; get an agent for my novel, clean out my kitchen cabinets, the list went on and on.

In the two months that have passed, however, I have found myself doing next to nothing.  When I need money, I work, but other than that, I have simply rested.  I meditate. I sleep when I need to.  I read what I feel like reading.  

Doing nothing has left me a bit conflicted.  Growing up, I was always doing something - anything - to avoid being labeled lazy, or slow or dumb.  So I was constantly doing.  Even when I felt tired, I did.  When I felt sick, I did.  I worked two jobs while going to school full-time.  I worked while pregnant.  I worked after Brendan was born.  I often worked after Bren went to bed.  I was just constantly going.  

But I have decided to stop listening to everyone else, to stop functioning on autopilot and start listening to me.  And I have decided to be still and do nothing.  At least for now.  So that is what I am doing.  Nothing.  And it's amazing.

The Year of Living Fearlessly - Feat #1

Hola, mi gente.  A new year is upon us.

Back in September, I told you that I was committing to living fearlessly for 1 year.  To that end, in October (on my 41st birthday, no less!), I quit my job.

Let me back up a little.  For a few weeks before that, I had a buzzing in my soul telling me it was time to move on.  I ignored it.  (Seriously, who listens to a buzzing in their gut?)  But as much as I ignored it (or tried to, anyway), the buzzing got louder and louder.  And what baffled me, is that while it was certainly not my "dream" job, work was good.  I was earning a decent salary; the people treated me well.  Granted, I was feeling a little burnt out and didn't spend as much time with Brendan as I wanted to.  Still, why the urgency to move on?

But the buzzing continued.  And I felt to my core (again, with the gut!) that I had but a small window of opportunity to make my move.  So, after many arguments with Big Bren ("Are you effing crazy??  Who the hell listens to a buzzing in their gut??") and many discussions with my friends ("Dude, you really need to think this through.  Do you know what the unemployment rate is right now?"), I decided to listen to the buzzing in my gut and I quit.

For a week after I took that huge leap of faith, I hyperventilated.  Had I lost my mind?  I visited the land of Worst Case Scenario:  my family would be homeless; my "trophy" car would be repossessed; and -- worst of all -- I would have to borrow money from my parents!

Then, a minor miracle happened.  My boss approached me about an independent contractor gig with the firm that would allow me to work from home.  I could pick and choose the assignments I wanted and work as little or as much as I wanted to.

That was exactly the work situation I have always wanted, but thought was impossible to get!  I could work on my own time (I'm a night owl) and be home when Brendan got off the bus from school.  Best of all, I could dedicate some time to my writing and focus on getting my creative projects off the ground. Talk about an answered prayer ...

So I'm happy to report that my year of living fearlessly got off to an amazing beginning.