He just cracks me up. :-)
And, no, the glasses aren't real.
Musings about mommy-hood, work, love and life.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Negative Motivation
My siblings and I have been struggling with the fact that our children are classic underachievers -- smart kids who refuse to take a single extra step for their own betterment. Not a single valecdictorian, honor student or even hard worker in the bunch. They sit back and wait to be clothed, fed and coddled.
Last I spoke with my oldest sister, she said something that made me think. She said that despite our parents' obvious lack of parenting skills, we all finished school and graduated with good grades. And we are all hardworkers; each of us has been working since the age of 15. So, how did they do it?
We got nothing for "free." We had chores that surpassed those of grown women (cleaning the house, cooking, washing, ironing, etc.). And we got clothes once a year; if your clothes got holey or worn out before then, it was too bad. Our parents never directed a kind word to any of us. No "I'm proud of you," or "you did good." No "undeserved" kisses or spontaneous hugs. But if we messed up in anything, we would hear for months how "useless" we were and how we would amount to nothing.
For whatever reason, those vitriolic words motivated us to prove our parents wrong. So, are we "too good" to our children? Is our unconditional love and support damaging them, instead of helping them? Who is to say?
It's really sad when only negativity can motivate you. I have lost 17 pounds so far; but what gets my butt in the gym is not seeing my size 10 pants practically falling off me or being able to wear clothes that have been sitting in my closet for three years. No, it's not that at all; rather, it's seeing the rolls of fat still on my back and the spare tire that refuses to budge.
My son's go-to phrases when he doesn't want to do something is "I don't know how to do it" (most often than not said before he even tries) and "this is boring." So I ask myself: do I "motivate" my beautiful son by berating him for failing/refusing to do something that I know will benefit him (like his homework or practicing his sports) or do I keep being loving and supportive despite any purported lack of achievement (because, really, how much can you really achieve at six years old)? That is a doozy of a question.
Last I spoke with my oldest sister, she said something that made me think. She said that despite our parents' obvious lack of parenting skills, we all finished school and graduated with good grades. And we are all hardworkers; each of us has been working since the age of 15. So, how did they do it?
We got nothing for "free." We had chores that surpassed those of grown women (cleaning the house, cooking, washing, ironing, etc.). And we got clothes once a year; if your clothes got holey or worn out before then, it was too bad. Our parents never directed a kind word to any of us. No "I'm proud of you," or "you did good." No "undeserved" kisses or spontaneous hugs. But if we messed up in anything, we would hear for months how "useless" we were and how we would amount to nothing.
For whatever reason, those vitriolic words motivated us to prove our parents wrong. So, are we "too good" to our children? Is our unconditional love and support damaging them, instead of helping them? Who is to say?
It's really sad when only negativity can motivate you. I have lost 17 pounds so far; but what gets my butt in the gym is not seeing my size 10 pants practically falling off me or being able to wear clothes that have been sitting in my closet for three years. No, it's not that at all; rather, it's seeing the rolls of fat still on my back and the spare tire that refuses to budge.
My son's go-to phrases when he doesn't want to do something is "I don't know how to do it" (most often than not said before he even tries) and "this is boring." So I ask myself: do I "motivate" my beautiful son by berating him for failing/refusing to do something that I know will benefit him (like his homework or practicing his sports) or do I keep being loving and supportive despite any purported lack of achievement (because, really, how much can you really achieve at six years old)? That is a doozy of a question.
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