Let It Go

My buddy Nycol sent this to me and I thought it was great (even though she sent as part of a chain e-mail -- tsk, tsk). It's attributed to T.D. Jakes:

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The Bible said that, "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pain... LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge... LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents... LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better... LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves... LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed... LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

The Battle is the Lord's!

New Moon

For any astrology fans out there, today is New Moon. And from what I hear from astrologer Anne Ortelee (anneortelee.com), it promises to be a doozy. Astrologers believe that certain times of the year (depending on lunar cycles and formation of stellar constellations) are more auspicious than others for starting new projects, new relationships, etc. Anne says: "[April 24th] is the most important New Moon of the year[,] so make sure to start something important to you. It MAY BE the most important New Moon of the next 8 years so REALLY make sure to start something important to you! Moons like this don't come around too often."

In Honduras, people plant new crops on the New Moon. They're not particularly astrology followers, but someone, somewhere noticed that seeds planted on a New Moon yielded more plentiful crops. Who knows if this is true, but it's funny how beliefs from all over the world seem to have a connective string ...

Anyway, whatever your beliefs, it can't hurt to put something in motion today.

All in a day's work

Brendan and I were in the park today when a woman showed up with her six kids.  She filled up almost the entire little park with her brood.  There were teenagers, and tweens, and toddlers.  She seemed to have had them in pairs; each child had a companion close in age.

The kids were loud -- all yelling "Mom! -- and competing for attention.  Yet, this woman was composed, well put together and-- dare I say it? -- happy.

I mentally told myself that I had to step up my "mom" game.  I chastised myself for my lack of patience and my intolerance for noise.  And just as I was starting to envy this woman -- whom I was sure must be the front-runner for the Mother of the Year award -- I noticed that one her younger children was wearing a bathing suit.  Just a bathing suit.  It's April.  And it's 63 degrees outside.

I may not have the patience of Ghandi and I may not have six kids, but on any given day, I can work up the energy to put pants on Brendan before we head out the door.  Let me take back that statuette ....  

Listening 101

"Within every adversity lies the seed of opportunity."

People assume that this phrase refers to some huge adversity and phoenix-like rise from the ashes, like losing a job only to be offered a better, higher paying job, or breaking up with a significant other only to run into one's soulmate the next day.  But I submit to you that this refers to any adversity, however small, that you may face -- from misplacing your keys to oversleeping when you have an appointment.  There is a lesson to be learned even from the minutia of our lives, if only we learn to listen.

Today, Big Bren misplaced a new packet of Allen wrenches.  The sky fell and the flowers wailed (I exaggerate, but only a smidgen).  There was door slamming and some words I cannot repeat in a family blog.  There were recriminations ("Did you move my Allen wrenches??  Why can't I ever find anything in this house????) and things cavalierly tossed out of their places (my laptop, thankfully in its case, was a victim) in an attempt to unearth the "lost" wrenches.  The one thing that never came out of Big Bren's mouth was: "I should have put my wrenches in a place where I could find them. "

For me, life offers a myriad of opportunities for improvement on a daily basis.  Like a kid, however, I often cover my ears and scream "la la la la la" while it's speaking.  I don't want to see the reflection of my weaknesses and my faults in whatever I'm going through.  I refuse to acknowledge that I have created unfavorable situations in my life and I most definitely do not want to hear that I -- and I alone -- have to find a way to resolve them.  I prefer to think that someone will come along and find my wrenches, instead of realizing that once I change my slovenly ways, the wrenches will appear during the cleanup.   Too often, we foist responsibility onto others for things we should be taking care of ourselves.  We want someone else to not only keep track of our "stuff," but also to clean up the mess we've made when we go through our "stuff."  No one is responsible for you.  No one can make you happy.  Or prosperous.  Or joyful.  Those things, and everything you're seeking, originate within you.  Find the seed of opportunity within that seemingly adverse situation, plant it and see what grows.  

Nadya Suleman can go pound salt

Okay, fine, that was a bit harsh, but word on the street (and by "street," I mean the gossip rags) is that she's received $2,000,000 for a reality show.

Am I the only person who thinks this woman should be focusing on raising her many kids instead of trying to be a celebrity? The fact is, other than being absolutely self-centered and egotistical, what has this woman done that warrants a reality show? Since she apparently has a million nannies in place to care for her children (that website seeking donations must have really taken off), what exactly is the public expecting to see? And, in good conscience, should those premature babies be put through that circus for the sake of this woman’s ego and the public's morbid curiousity?

Here is what I propose: everyone boycotts not just this reality show, but also the network that has commissioned it. If this woman is at all savvy – and based on the way that she is working the media, I have to assume that she is – she has demanded her money up front. You see, I have no problem with her trying to find a way to feed her 14 children; what I do have a problem with is her exploiting her kids to do it. So, if she’s already gotten the money, more power to her. Seriously, boycott the show and the network. For once, let us put aside the rubber-necking and do the right thing. Since their mother is not going to do it, let’s do it for those 14 kids.

In the Event of Loss of Cabin Pressure ...

This past weekend found me awash in a sea of disappointment.

My oldest sister indicated that she wanted to come to New York to visit for a week and, as always, I did all I could possibly do to make it happen for her. But once she got here, she spared no time at all to spend with me or Brendan. Sunday night found the poor kid struggling to keep his eyes open so he could spend some "quality time" with her before she left the State early Monday morning, only to conk out at 9:30 p.m., while my sister did not show up until 10:30.

My brother was also in town and, after promising to spend some time with me at my home, decided to go back home a day early. The week before, I'd invited my father over for a barbeque to celebrate his 69th birthday; he responded with such negativity to the invite, that I felt like I'd offered him a steaming plate of dung or something equally as appetizing.

This glorious week concluded with my having a run-in with my step-son (I felt like he'd disrespected me and called him on it); which escalated into an argument with Big Bren and with me being cast as the "Evil Stepmother."

For the past year, I've been on this path of betterment. I've succeeded in many ways and failed miserably in others. In my quest, however, I have been quick to blame myself for my struggling relationships, where others' apathy, self-centeredness or emotional immaturity and laziness should have taken equal billing. I've often sacrificed my self, my finances, my pride and my time to make others happy (perhaps in yet another misguided attempt to garner love). And, today, I find myself feeling victimized (can't you tell??).

The kicker is that you cannot ingratiate yourself to anyone. People either love you or they don't. They either consider you or they don't. They either want to spend time with you or they don't. And if you are so busy trying to be loved that you stop loving yourself, then despite all your "doing," and all your "offering" and all the "providing," everyone around you will only mirror that absence of love.

As I sat here Sunday night, I suddenly thought of that instruction on the plane where they tell you that in the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will pop down; and when they do, you should put on your own mask before you help other people with theirs. Here I was, trying to save everyone, while I was nearly passed out from lack of oxygen. (When my sister finally showed up with her church "sisters" in tow, they decided to pray at the house before hitting the road. Tellingly, the Bible passage that one of the sisters chose for the occasion had a woman lamenting to God that she'd been forced to toil at everyone else's vineyard, leaving her own grapes to whither and die.) Surely, if I stop trying to be all things to all people, I can be "Mirna" for me. And at the end of the day -- or, in this case, week -- all I have left is me.

Sign on the dotted line

It’s funny how much like a business contract marriage is. Actually, that was all the rage a few years ago – entering into a written agreement with your future spouse as to the “terms” of your union. For instance, the person who didn’t mind cooking would offer to cook in exchange for not having to clean up afterward. The one who was more financially savvy would agree to pay the bills, as long as the other partner agreed to take out the trash on garbage day, and so on.

When I first heard about these written agreements, I wrinkled my nose in distaste. What is the use of being married, I thought, if everything is a quid pro quo? Isn’t the purpose of marriage to not only share the good and the bad, but to grow together? How can you grow if everything is etched in stone?

Almost 6 years in, I now know that whether you write the terms down or not, you are in a binding agreement. And the people who sit down and say, “this is what I want; this is what I need; and this is what I am willing to give and do” are better off in the long run.  And, quite frankly, it is often the little things that begin to grate on your nerves after a while.  It's the socks on the floor, the unwashed dishes and the unloaded dishwasher.  It can be snoring or the way someone snorts when s/he laughs.  What personally bothers me is the refrain:  "I can't read minds!"  Often said with equal parts frustration and derision.  You don't need to be a mind-reader to know that dirty laundry will not wash, fold and/or put itself away.  You don't need a ESP degree to know that an empty refrigerator means it's time to go grocery shopping!

On a whole, though, I am glad that our issues are relatively minor because the “terms” aren’t just about chores or who is going to pick up the kids from school; they are about how you treat yourself and about how you allow or expect others to treat you. For instance, I have family members whose partners routinely cheat on them. They turn a blind eye or – if confronted with the truth – show anger for a week or a month and then decide to “work things out.”  Except their version of "working things out" is simply to ignore the problem; thereby allowing the partner to do it again and again. There’s one woman whose significant other has cheated on her at least 5 times – the last time was in her own bed. By not taking action the first time, she signed the contract conceding that he could do it the second, third, fourth and fifth time. Short of ripping that contract up and declaring a breach, there is no way to get out of it.

Then there are those for whom “divorce is not an option.” I am as much of a romantic as the next person, but that is like walking into a car dealership and saying, “I am going to buy a car from you today no matter how you treat me, or how much you inflate the cost of the car, or even if you try to sell me a lemon.” You can only imagine how well that salesman is going to treat you and how much effort he is going to put into that transaction – not very well and not very much.  That's not to say that divorce should be taken lightly -- it shouldn't be.  My "deal breakers" are but two things:  infidelity and domestic violence.  I'll work on everything else; but I'll be damned if I am going to lay down and be a doormat for anybody.

There are days in my marriage when I am blissfully happy and days that end with me fuming, “I didn’t sign up for this crap.” I used to think that I had no power; that I could only go along until I got to the point where I either learned to cope or got so fed up that I moved on. I have learned, though, that marriage can be like a career that you've put a lot of time and effort into – sometimes it’s frustrating, but most times it’s fulfilling. And, like a job, sometimes you have to stop and ask, “Am I being treated fairly? Am I getting equal value for what I am putting in?” If the answer is “no,” you have to be willing to speak up and change the terms of that contract. No one can do it but you. I’ve found that most people are always willing to renegotiate.