I am honored to be a guest on my dear friend's blog. I thought it would be best to start by giving you a little bit of background about myself. I am a working mom of a two year old boy, who is the light of my life. Mirna and I attended law school together back in 1992 and have been hanging out together ever since. Through the years, we have commiserated on so many things, life, love, career, the meaning of life, spirituality. I think what keeps our bond strong is that we have grown together spiritually. We have both been through really tough times and have been there to give each other a lift up when it was most needed. And we were each other's teacher and student along the way. One of the things that Mirna has shown me is that writing can be a tremendous outlet, and a wonderful healing source. And so I thank you my dear friend for giving me this forum to stretch my writing muscles out!
In the past year I have had quite a few changes in my life. My husband, who was a NYC Detective, retired after 23 years. I left a job as a Senior claims manager at an insurance company where I had a promising career, and I relocated to Charlotte, NC, where we have purchased a monstrosity of a house (5,000 sq/ feet). I now work from home full time. I am doing the same type of work I had been doing for the past 8 years,but Iam making almost 1/2 of what I earned in NY. And my expenses have doubled. My husband, who thought he would be working right away, has still not been able to get a job. It's been a rather rough road. Don't get me wrong, I feel very blessed with all the things in my life, but of course, after I put my son to bed and finish cleaning and tidying up, I have time to let my mind go into dark places. I have been sensing an underlying anxiety, a restlessness within myself. Its very easy to blame my feelings on all these changes I have recently experienced, but I know myself, and its something more.
In speaking with Mirna the other day, I tried to explain how I felt. And it suddently came to me,...I feel like I have not done anything to make a difference in this world. Oh sure, I give money to charities, I hold the door open for the elderly, I donate my clothing and food to the various organizations. But will people know who I am when I am gone? I suddenly felt very sad...and powerless. When I was in law school, I had such wonderful dreams, that I would cure the injustices of the world, my work would have a profound impact on so many lives, I would be known by so many, that i would be powerful! And now, almost 15 years later, I find myself working in a small office in my home, adjusting professional liability claims. And I just wanted to cry.
Of course, as I'm sure we all know, when there is breakdown, there is breakthrough. And the minute I felt this despair over my so called "insignificant life", I heard my son calling me outside my door...Mommy, where are u? And it hit me...I make ALL the difference to him! My son would not be here, would not be who he is, without me. And he in turn, brings so much joy to everyone around him, because of me. And then I thought of my husband, who lights up when he sees me (and I'm not in a bad mood :-)) or my mom, who is currently living with us, and who I fully support. And I thought...wow...I am the world to these peoople. And then I thought of all my friends and loved ones who are in my life, who I reach out to on a consistent basis. Birthdays that I help celebrate, times that I've given my shoulder for them to cry on. And I realized that I make a profound difference to everyone that has come into contact with me. And I had what Oprah would call an Aha moment...I suddenly knew what real power meant. It doesnt mean having a fabulous job, or making a ton of money, or being famous. Its having the knowledge that we have an impact on everyone we come into contact with. And we can choose in that moment whether we want to make a difference in a person's life or not.
I suddenly recalled my last flight to NY from Charlotte. There was a young mother on the plane behind me with a screaming toddler on her lap. Prior to having my own kid, I would have rolled my eyes and tried to ignore them. Now with a kid, I really felt empathy for her. But that day, I did more than just feel for her. I turned around and asked her if she wanted me to hold him while she got herself together. She handed him over to me with a look of such gratitude, that I knew I made a difference in her life at that moment....
2 comments:
And that, my friend, is what true power is. I am sure that young mother sent a million blessings your way that day.
Lova Vieja, you may be approaching your breakthrough ...
Wow, Mindy, I can see the breakthrough already. To be able to sit there and analyze and place thoughts into perspective shows extreme growth and maturity. People around the world need to read this. We, as human beings, are always beating ourselves up for something and forget to look at the gifts and virtues that is in us. Thank you, I had to take a second glance at my life.
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