The Roar Within

No one likes to hear anything negative about him/herself. Who wants to hear that you're lazy? Or a slack-off? Or will amount to nothing? Yet, we often say these things, or worse, to ourselves.

I decided to sit and listen to my inner dialogue one day and, I must say, I was appalled at what I heard and felt. I found myself wishing for something, visualizing myself having it and then, almost immediately, clamming up in fear, internally shaking my head, saying "You'll never get that. Why should you, with all your issues, be so blessed? Do you know how many people want that?" It is as if even before my dreams can get off the ground, I cripple them by telling myself that I am unworthy or undeserving of having the things I truly want.

Armed with this realization, I now "erase" my last thought and say "well, why not me? Someone is going to get it, it might as well be me." It is an exhausting process, yet that seems to be the only way to interrupt my programming.

I don't know why I am programmed this way. It would be great if I could lay blame on someone else (my parents, perhaps), but, truth be told, I have always been saddled and ridden by fear. I wish there were places one could go for mental reprogramming. (And, no, I don't mean a psychotherapist). I mean an actual place where you walk in with all your psychologic bugs and mental viruses, frozen on one screen of your life, and come out with the slate wiped clean, your heart purring gently and your mind ready to take on the world. Wouldn't that be wonderful?