Fighting Through Fear

Fighting Through Fear

My whole life, I have done everything through a cloud of fear.  At times, the fear paralyzed me and kept me from moving forward.  Other times, the fear motivated me -- catapulting me into something that turned out for the best, although I didn't know it at the time.

I earned good grades through fear.  Fear of disappointing my parents, my teachers, my self.  But the fear also kept me from excelling.  I thought:  "If I study really hard and get the same grades, what does that say about me and my intelligence and my ability?"

I worked from fear.  Fear of not having money.  Fear of not being able to pay for school.  Fear of having to ask my parents for help.  Yet the fear of success has kept me from earning what I am worth; what I know I can earn.  I fear not being worthy of making more money.  What if I land my "dream job" and fail at it?  What if I cannot keep up?  What if -- gasp -- I am "found out"?

I even married in a haze of fear.  Fear of being an old maid.  Fear of being a single mother.  Fear of never finding my soul's mate.  But love found me through the cloud of fear and gave me a partner who understands my skittish nature.  Someone who held my hand in the face of a potentially terminal illness.  A man who unabashedly lost more sleep over my perhaps impending demise than even I did.  Someone who -- like me -- pretends to be hard, but hides a soft spot for the people he loves.

Fear has not given me anything.  As my constant companion of the past 38 years, it has burdened me and made my load unnecessarily heavy.  So I renounce you, Fear.  I renounce the twisted gut and aching heart.  I renounce lowered expectations and deferred dreams.  I renounce cubicles and nine to fives.  I am an eagle; it is time to soar.