Enough

I always have weird dreams in the days leading up to Father's Day.  I dream I am a child again and my father is yelling at me.  Sometimes, he has just died and I don't know how to react:  am I supposed to be sad or relieved?  When I awaken, I am usually just numb.  I know I have daddy issues.  I always have.  It is difficult growing up with a father who is withholding and unloving.  At some point, I internalized the fact that I was unloveable and unworthy.  I was never good enough for him; so now I am never good enough for me.  He will die someday, probably sooner, rather than later; I will have no closure.  I fear that he will take a piece of me with him, leaving the puzzle that is "me" unsolved.

I have tried to sort my daddy issues out.  I have tried forgiveness.  I have tried releasing him psychically, emotionally and psychologically.  None of it worked.  So, in my desperation, I confronted him.  I told him how I felt unloved by him.  How, no matter how much I've tried to please him, it was never enough.  How painful it was for me to see him develop and enjoy his relationships with my siblings, while the only thing he bestowed upon me was disdain.  I looked him in the eyes as I pleaded with him to explain to me where our relationship had gone so horribly wrong.  And ... he got up and walked away from me. Without saying a word.  Without denying his lack of love for me.  I think that one action at 40 was worse than all the emotional abuse, the distance and the disapproval of the 40 preceding years.

They say those who do not learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them.  While my issue with my father is not my mistake, per se, I have repeated this "not enough-ness" throughout my whole life.  It has plagued me through relationships, jobs and friendships.  When I receive acceptance, love and approval from strangers, I cannot process it.  My mind will not receive it, so my not enough-ness continues.  

So, on this Father's Day, when I see my son with his father and experience the pure and unadulterated love between the two, I feel happy that he has that.  No matter what life may bring him, that is something that no one can ever take away.  To that, I raise my glass and say "Happy Father's Day."